Have you ever...

difficult-

dif·fi·cult 
[dif-i-kuhlt, -kuhlt]
–adjective
1. not easily or readily done; requiring much labor, skill, or planning to be performed successfully; hard: a difficult job.

It's been a difficult week.

The three little people that I love and adore have made me question my ability to be a good mom. Have you ever felt this way? Mads and Max seem to have hit the terrible (pre) twos simultaneously and Claire, in all her sweet intensity, is less sweet, more intense.

It's been brewing for the last few weeks. Sick children, teething toddlers, restless nights, homesickness, a traveling husband, and someone who is just going through the 'eeyore blues', is a recipe for disaster.

It's been a rough week.

I've been toying around with the idea of having a fourth child. After this week, if you were to ask me, do you want another, my answer would be a confident, NO! What could three little people do to make a grown woman decide her future reproductive state?!

Barbara LeGere Photography

Reflecting on the past two weeks and as I write, it doesn't 'sound' as bad as it felt in the moment. However, I am still concerned about sweet Mads. My most tempermental child. In limbo of being able to express herself verbally but knowing what she wants (and doesn't want) she has started to hurt herself. Pulling out her own hair. It's heartbreaking to see your child injure themself, when as a mother, all you want to do is wrap them up in a cocoon of love and protection. One day, it was non-stop. Every time I looked at her, she was pulling her hair. Sweet, beautiful, amazing girl. Please stop, my eyes would plead. Her pediatrician told us to ignore it, completely. That went against everything I wanted to do. Instinctively, I wanted to scoop her up in my arms, hold her tight, whisper sweet nothings and love her until she loved herself enough to stop hurting herself.

It's been an arduous week.

One day, as I picked up Claire from preschool, Mads and Max chose that moment to test out their fit throwing skills. As I carried two screaming 20 month olds to the car and added a crying 4.5 year old into the mix, the words: You sure have your hands full, played like a sing-song voice in my head. Yes, I admitted in defeat. I do. I really do. And then, I too cried on that drive home. I can't help but think of line in the song Glitter in the Air....Have you ever felt this way?

perseverance -
per·se·ver·ance 
[pur-suh-veer-uhns]
–noun
1. steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.

I'm glad I didn't write this blog in the midst of my battle. Because, we ended the week beautifully. And started this weekend perfectly. Mads isn't pulling her hair as much. I reflected, vented, prayed and remembered: these tough stages don't last forever. I'm ready to face our challenges and I know that, parenting is one day, no, one minute at a time.

Happiness Is...

A few good friends blog about HAPPINESS. I thought I’d take a spin at it because sometimes I forget to focus on happiness and GOD knows, I have plenty of things to be happy about in my life. Sometimes, LIFE can be overwhelming, challenging, and throw more than a few curveballs, but happiness is always there.

During the month of November, my FAMILY and I took turns sharing something we were thankful for, every day, at dinner. When Thanksgiving was over, CLAIRE wanted to do more. Now, we share something that makes us HAPPY. It's nice to have a child to remind you: Be Happy.

So,in no particular order, here are some of my happy moments:

Happiness is….

Listening to Claire’s out of tune voice SINGING Jesus Loves Me

Seeing MADELINE'S deliciously chunky BABY legs as she tries to run away from me

RUNNING up a hill, making it to the top and then the sweet cruise on the way down

Finding out a FRIEND was thinking of me

Being swallowed in a HUG by CHRIS after having ‘one of those days’

Listening to Jeff Buckley sing HALLELUJAH

Watching MAX walk, oh yes, he WALKS!

Picking up my MOM from the airport

Feeling PRETTY on the inside and out

Carrying my BABIES in my tummy

Holding my CHILDREN

SLEEPING in freshly washed sheets

Being with my FAMILY; just being

Barbara LeGere Photography

Oh, of course there is more, so much more!

Love That Boy

When I was pregnant, I was never one of those women, when asked, Do you want a boy or a girl, would answer, A healthy child is what we want, while gazing lovingly at my husband and patting my pregnant belly. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't lovingly gaze at my husband, I do that every once in a while. And of course I wanted a healthy baby! That goes without saying (that request was in my prayers every single day). But I would answer honestly, I want a girl! I want ALL girls!

After I had Claire I was hoping my next pregnancy would bring another girl into our family. And it did. Sweet Madeline. But, it also brought Max.

Boy, oh boy. I wasn't disappointed when I found out I was pregnant with twins and one of them was a boy. As soon as we found out, the idea of a boy in our family just seemed to fit. A boy!

A boy?! I'm a girl. Claire is a girl. Chris, well, he's practically a girl with his sense of style and ability to cook better than any woman I know. How in the world would I know what to do with a boy?!

And then he was here. Max. Boy, oh boy. All boy.

I had no idea my heart could be stolen by a little guy weighing in at a whopping 5 lbs 2 ounces. But it was love at first sight. When the nurse handed him to me at the hospital for the very first time, he fit perfectly into my arms. And I knew then, I'd do anything for this boy of mine.

Max is an amazing son. He's so bright eyed and happy. He loves cars, dogs, and watching birds fly in the great blue sky. He's a sweet little guy that will share toys with his tough sisters and feed his Mommy because he cares. He adores his Daddy and looks at him as if he hung the moon. He gives twin sister kisses every morning and looks to her for direction. If you ask him if he wants a cookie, he'll smack his lips, yes please. He loves being outside, throwing sand out of the sandbox and making eyes at Mommy. He loves bathtime, playing with musical instruments and stacking blocks. Max is sensitive, a peacemaker and a people-person.

All those things describe my son and yet those words aren't enough to capture Max entirely. He's all those things and so much more. If you haven't met him, I hope one day you do. Only then, will you truly get Max.

Today, he was given another label. Physically Delayed. At 18 months, Max cannot walk. Max will start receiving Physical Therapy services to help with his delay. My heart broke when I was told this, even though I already knew it.

Max is going to be ok. He has a strong and mighty heart. Mighty Max. He will walk. And soon I'll be chasing him as his eyes shine brightly with joy, in a way that only Max's eyes can sparkle. I look forward to that day. In the meantime, my fighting gloves are on for my boy. We'll face this battle head on and I will be his voice; asking the questions necessary to help him. I will be his strength; guiding him through any exercise needed to help him. I will be his biggest supporter; cheering him on, on the days he is sure to want to give up. I will be his Mommy; always there to hug, kiss and love him, as he is, my boy, my son.

Dear Max. This poem is for you. Though I didn't write it, I think it captures all that I feel for you. I love you, Sweet Boy. Boy, oh boy. Love, Mommy

Love That Boy
by Walter Dean Myers

Love that boy,
like a rabbit loves to run
I said I love that boy
like a rabbit loves to run
Love to call him in the morning
love to call him"Hey there, son!"

He walk like his Grandpa,
Grins like his Uncle Ben.
I said he walk like his Grandpa,
And grins like his Uncle Ben.
Grins when he’s happy,
When he sad, he grins again.

His mama like to hold him,
Like to feed him cherry pie.
I said his mama like to hold him.
Like to feed him that cherry pie.
She can have him now,
I’ll get him by and by

He got long roads to walk down
Before the setting sun.
I said he got a long, long road to walk down
Before the setting sun.
He’ll be a long stride walker,
And a good man before he done.


Barbara LeGere Photography

If they only knew...

Today I got a compliment from a stranger. He said, You have three, beautiful children. I grabbed that little gem and held on tight. It made me beam. Just a few days ago, a woman approached us and took a seat next to me while we were out at a restaurant. She told me she had been watching us and wanted to tell me how good my children were behaving. That one little word made me want to dance around the room.

But I have to admit, in both cases, as they approached me, I started to cringe and put on my very fake smile. If you know me, you'd know it's fake. I don't show my teeth, my eyes don't crinkle with happiness, in fact, I'm sure my 'fake smile' looks more like I was just punched in the stomach.

Back to the first stranger. As he approached, I plastered on my tight-lipped smile because I was putting on my suit of armor, a way to protect my feelings. Why? Because the comment I get on a daily basis, multiple times a day is: Wow, you have your hands full!! It's amazing how words can lift you up or bring you down.

I'm sure the hundreds (I'm guessing it's much more than this and for once I'm not exaggerating because it gets said multiple times a day) of people who have stopped, no, gone out of their way to approach me and tell me you have your hands full (cringing as I type it!), didn't think twice about what these words would mean to me. They were being harmless. Just a comment they made in passing. But to me, these words are deflating. It's not a positive comment and whatever joy I was experiencing at the moment I was with my children was snatched away by one little sentence.

I wish I didn't have to hear it on a daily basis. I have a running list of things I wish I could say to these people that I keep to myself...instead, I'll say it here:

I wish you could see my three children jumping up and down in the morning, just because I walked into the room; their energy feeds my very soul. If you could only be so lucky to have your hands full in this way.

I wish you could hear three little voices laughing as they play chase; their eyes shining like stars in the night sky. If you could only be so lucky to have your hands full in this way.

I wish you could hear two toddlers learn how to say "Love You!" on the same day; more musical than any song one could ever hear. If you could only be so lucky to have your hands full in this way.

I wish you could feel what it's like to have three children listening in awe as you read Good Night Moon for the hundredth time; it's an honor to be their mother. If you could only be so lucky to have your hands full in this way.

One time, my husband saw I was reaching a breaking point. We went away for a weekend trip and after the 4th person came up to us on our 'vacation' to tell us we had our hands full, Chris' response was; Yes, but in a very good way. The stranger paused, looked a little stunned and then looked down into the eyes of my bright eyed children who were looking up at him. The stranger finally replied; Well, yes, I think you are right about that.

Yes, I do have my hands full. And I wouldn't change a thing.

A letter to my children....

I read a blog recently and it was written by a mother in the form of a letter to her daughter. It was beautiful, touching and emotional. I can't promise this letter will be nearly any of those things, but it will be a letter from my heart to my children.

Dear Claire, Madeline and Max,

You are truly, my Moon, my Stars, and my Sky. I look at the three of you and I GET life. My hopes and dreams are HUGE for you...BIGGER than they ever were for me. If I could get you through life WITHOUT pain, sorrow and hurt, I would. But life doesn't work that way. Instead, I'll share with you my hopes. And I know, I can guarantee, life won't be easy. It won't always be fun. It will be work. But life will also be filled with laughter, love, happiness and joy...all the things I experience with you.

Here are my HOPES for you, my Children:

Beauty: You will always know, that no matter what, it truly is what is on the INSIDE that counts. You may be attracted to a person (and they you) for what they look like, but it is their ability to make you smile, laugh, and feel loved that is important. Look for the light that shines within a person when choosing your life partner. Beauty fades but that light will shine FOREVER.

Faith: People can be mean. It will sound so cliche, but it truly is their own insecurities that make them that way. Children will find something, anything, for which they can pick on you. Grown ups judge each other and think they are better than others. It comes down to one word: insecurity. Stand proud and strong in your BELIEFS. You are beautiful on the inside and out. You are exactly who GOD created you to be. Have Faith in that. You are perfectly IMPERFECT.

Growth: Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE makes mistakes. There have been countless times that I have apologized to each one of you for being impatient or short-tempered. You will stumble and fall through out life, making mistakes and my hope is you learn from those mistakes. APOLOGIZE to those you hurt (even if it's yourself) and learn and grow.

Strength: Drugs. Please don't. Please. There has never been a single person that succeeds in life: career, emotional, relationships...ANY aspect, while doing drugs. It's ok to say no. It's ok for your 'friends' to make fun of you for saying no. If you need ideas on how to give yourself a healthy high, I'll be happy to list a few off: go rock climbing, run a marathon, sky-diving....I'll join you. You will be TESTED in this and you must find that strength to be you: intelligent, kind, funny, sweet, tender hearted without drugs in your life.

Perseverance: I feel like an old lady saying this, but kids nowadays (See? Old lady talking...please keep reading ;)) do not seem to realize the importance of not giving up. All that is good in the world will not be handed to you. You will have to WORK hard, set goals and yes, struggle to achieve those goals. You CAN do it. You WILL do it. I BELIEVE in you and more importantly, GOD believes in you. Find inspiration in people you know and stories you hear of people doing the unthinkable. Your Nana went to college in her 40s and became a nurse, use her as your Beacon of Perseverance.

I will never be able to say it enough. I love you. Each one of you fits perfectly into my heart. I'm your biggest fan and I'll be cheering you on from the sidelines in this thing called, LIFE.

Always,
Mommy

Answers

I often wondered what it would be like to have a conversation with God. I have prayed countless times. I have tried to open my heart and listen to what He has to say, show me and teach me. Sometimes He's so clear. Like a raindrop reflecting all the beautiful colors of the rainbow. Other times my own imperfect human nature clouds His message and I feel like I'm trying to see it through a murky and muddied pond.

But there has been one day in my life that He spoke to me and I had no doubt that I heard His words. I felt His presence. It was my very own, conversation with God:

I looked down, tears filling my eyes. Two babies. Two peaceful, beautiful, take my breath away, sleeping babies. I had moved them to the hospital bed with me. They were snuggled side by side against my body. I gently picked them up and instantly had the feeling; I'm holding all that is good in the world.

Suddenly, it was as if a fog was lifted. I could see. I could finally see.

Dear God, I just didn't realize. I had no idea and I'm so sorry for ever doubting You. If I could thank You a million times it wouldn't be enough.

God whispered to my heart, I know. All along I've known you. These are the two that are meant to be here on Earth; with you, with Chris, with Claire, with the world.

Madeline Yvonne and Maxwell Christopher were born on May 30, 2009. That was the day I realized God is greater, bigger, and more powerful than I could have ever imagined. I have never thought of Madeline and Max as a replacement for my two angel babies. I never thought God took two babies and gave me two babies as an exchange. Because the day God spoke to me He told me something I'll never forget: His plan is perfect. He is perfect. My angel babies are in heaven for a reason I may never know. But I do know why Madeline and Max are here on Earth. They fit into the puzzle of my life. They must be here.

It's almost their first birthday and it seems like yesterday that I; found out I was pregnant with two babies, was in the middle of the most difficult pregnancy I could have ever imagined, was in the recovery room on the day they were born and seeing their faces for the very first time. And yet it has almost been a whole year. A year full of beauty, love, learning, laughter, tears and wonder.

As a mom of twins, I'm often asked, how do you do it? Well, if Claire was born like a shooting star streaming through the sky; intense, then Madeline and Maxwell were like the quiet, stillness of the full moon in the sky; peaceful. I expected chaos and was gifted with two of the most serene babies ever to be born. Thank you sweet children for making the transition of being a mommy of one to three, seamless.

Happy birthday dear Madeline.

Madeline, my doll-baby. So curious, full of life and sweetness. You are always so busy exploring, learning and trying to figure out the world around you. Truly a lovely girl who I look at and marvel over the perfection of your little up-turned nose, adorable smile and feisty personality.

Happy birthday Max.

Max, my little man. You are a people person. You notice others and they always notice you. Your smile touches the hearts of all those who meet you. You are sensitive, silly, happy and have a joyful sense of humor. You have such an expressive face and it matches the complexity that makes up who you are on the inside.


The day my sweet Madeline and Max were born I prayed, Dear God, thank you. Forever.

Movie Moments

I think any woman who watches a romantic comedy has thought: I wish that could be me. You know the scene. The camera pans in onto a couple who is having a romantic dinner, there is great eye contact and you can see how much he adores her. Or, a couple is ice skating in Rockefeller Center and they are holding hands, laughing, oblivous to the world around them. There is always a great soundtrack and in those moments we sigh and elbow our husbands while muttering, why can't we be like that?!

I would argue, we all have. We just don't have that great music playing in the background and a camera rolling at all times to capture our own movie moments.

I have found this entry the most difficult to write. Maybe because through everything, he has been by my side; good/bad, ugly/beautiful, broken/whole. And because of this, it is the most personal.

This entry is for you; my husband, my partner in life, my forever love, my very best friend. You've helped me make our very own, movie moments:

It felt like we were the only two people alive, let alone at the restaurant.
For once, he opened up and shared his heart and soul with me; no pretenses, no big talk, just honest conversation.
I threw my head back and laughed, he reached out to fix my hair.
He smiled. A truly happy, eye reaching smile that made his dimples appear to be miles deep.
I fell in love that day.
I wanted him to be mine and for me to be his.

Walking down a touristy street in Newport Beach.
We looked in shop windows and I noticed our reflection; a happy young couple.
He grabbed my hand and pulled me away.
He said, You're mine and I am yours.

Who really gets to marry the prince?
July 16, 2005 I married my prince; tattooed arm, dimples that my thumbs fit into perfectly, twinkling eyes, broken but put back together and loved with all his imperfections.
I felt like I was floating.
He felt so far away and yet was so near.
I walked down the flower petaled path feeling like it was all a dream.
I was so nervous and yet seeing him calmed me.
He looked at me and his eyes said, You're mine and I am yours.

All the kids were tucked safely into bed.
We had a glass of wine and talked about our perfectly imperfect sleeping angels.
Both of us consumed by our love for our children; we started to cry.
We danced to the music.
Our living room was our dance floor.
Parents, bestfriends, husband & wife; crying at the thought of our childrens' very existence; our loves, our hearts, our very breath.
The three best things that could have ever come out of two people meeting and falling in love.
They are ours, and we are theirs.