But Time Went By....

My children are curious beings. They love me fiercely and yet I see them as they take tentative steps away; testing out what the world has to offer. One of Claire's favorite books is The Giving Tree. A story about a boy who grows up and leaves his 'tree'. Claire's eyes would tear up as we would talk about what the line: '...time went by' meant. But I don't want time to go by...I don't want to get old! That's what she used to say. Now she's planning her future: what she'll be, where she'll live. Time certainly does go by. And for that reason, I try to cherish each milestone instead of wishing them on to the next stage. Just yesterday it seems like my sweet twins Madeline and Maxwell were born. And yet, time went by....

Today is Madeline's birthday. She turns two. She is still the same baby I met 2 years ago and yet she has added layers of beautiful complexity to her. Madeline is kind, gentle, strong-spirited, curious, smart, a leader in our house....
Dear Madeline, this is for you:

I am thinking it's a sign
That the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images and when we kiss
They're perfectly aligned

Barbara LeGere Photography

Today is Max's birthday. He also turns two. He is still very much my baby and yet walks around with his funny tough-guy attitude. Max is playful, sensitive, a follower of his big sisters, a tender-hearted boy.
Max, for you:

And I have to speculate
That God Himself did make us
Into corresponding shapes
Like puzzle pieces from the clay
Barbara LeGere Photography

You are both growing so fast. Sometimes a mom's wish is to slow time down (it is my wish on many days), and yet I know the best thing is to encourage you as you grow and watch you soar in this big world of ours. I see the two of you doing amazing things and cannot wait to celebrate each birthday with you both....
For the two of you:

They will see us waving from such great heights
Come down now, they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
Come down now but we'll stay

*Lyrics by iron & wine: such great heights

The Happy Runner

I debated whether I should start a whole new blog to document the journey I'm on or include it in Running Into a Wall. Then I re-read the title of my blog and thought back to my first blog entry: it was about my very first half-marathon. And it didn't take too much convincing to go ahead and put it here. Yes, this blog has mostly, ok ok, it has turned into a blog about my kids....but it was always supposed to be about ALL things in my life. And that includes running.

I started running a year or so after Claire was born. Initially, I did it to kick up my weight loss goal a notch. I had been working out faithfully for 6 months (even hired a trainer) but the last 10 pounds weren't budging. I remember walking by a runner at the gym and the little light was flashing that they had been running for 45 minutes on the treadmill. 45 minutes?! What is she, a machine? I thought to myself. How in the world can someone run that long? So I jumped on the treadmill to see what I could do. I couldn't finish one mile. Not even one. I was so out of breath that I had to slow the pace down to a walk. Eventually I finished that first mile and it was in about 14 minutes. Wow.

I remember running in middle school and the girls in my PE class fell into two groups. The walkers and the runners. I chose the running group and we'd push each other to get as fast as a time as possible...I got 6:45. So, how in the world did I go from that, to running a 14 minute mile?!

Life happened. I have never been very physically active. I certainly am not talented in the athletic department. At family reunions we'd gather to play softball or volleyball and I'd get nervous. My cousins were so athletic: sports players. My brothers were always involved in football, basketball, soccer, baseball. And then there was me. I played clarinet in the marching band. Would that help catch a softball or set up a volley? Not likely. So at those reunions I'd do my best not to get hit in the face and as my Uncles would shout, Get out of the way!!!, I did my best to make myself small and invisible during the game.

So fast forward a few years. I had a one year old daughter. I was 10 pounds overweight and I couldn't run a mile without feeling like my lungs were going to crawl out of my throat and collapse onto the treadmill in front of a gym full of strangers. But running is a funny thing. Or maybe it was my personality: once I set a goal it MUST be accomplished. Perhaps it was a combination of both. I found running to be addicting. I would run a few times a week, each time, pushing myself a little bit farther until I could finally run a mile without stopping. Then it was two. And finally a 5k. During that time my speed improved, definitely not winning any races but faster than that initial one mile test run.

From that first 14 minute walk-run I've gone on to run more 5ks, 10ks, half-marathons. I've chiseled away at that mile time to get my fastest mile time of 7:11 and run at a happy pace of 8:45. But here's the thing about running: there is ALWAYS room for improvement. There is always more distance to be added. And because of that, I've set my sight on the San Francisco full marathon. Sometimes people ask me: why? Sometimes I ask the question of myself.

I have a hard time explaining it, the easiest response is to tell someone: Go try it, you'll see! It's something you won't regret doing. But I understand, not everyone wants to run....so I'll try to do my best to answer the why:

Because it feels good
I love running outside. During the week I run pushing the twins but my favorite time to run is my weekend long run. I usually go alone. Sometimes with Chris. I'll lace up my shoes in the early morning while all my babies are still sleeping, sip some coffee and get my music ready. When I step out and find my pace, the feel of the cool air on my face and the newness of the day makes me feel alive. strong. thankful. I run for a few hours and my mind will wander: sometimes it rests on my children, my husband, prayer, sometimes it sings along to the music or just focuses on run-breath-run-breath.

Because I can
When I'm running I can't help but smile. Yes, there are times when my brow is furrowed in concentration, times when I'm grimacing through a sprint or while trying to achieve a personal record in a 5k race, times when my kids, husband, any and everything weigh heavy on my mind. But for the most part, when I'm out there running, I'm reminded that I've been blessed with a healthy heart, lungs, muscles, and legs: the temple God gave me. And it feels so good to be moving while enjoying the beautiful world we were given.

Because it has proven to me my mind and body are stronger than I ever thought possible
There are days when my mind tries to convince me that I'm not strong enough. Not brave enough. Simply not enough to get through a run. Those runs are tough. Just as I used to wonder, people often tell me they can't imagine running for an hour, two hours, three hours and more. But here's something I've learned: If I can do it, anyone can. Remember, I couldn't run a mile without stopping. I realized once I built up a basic fitness level, it really did become mind over matter. Sometimes I'll be an hour into a run and realize I still have an hour or more to go. And that's ok. Because I know I'll get there one step at a time. I've never claimed running is easy. On the contrary, I find it to be a challenge. And I like that.

I'll be seeing you soon, San Francisco.

Sparkle and Shine

Claire has been on my mind. Who am I kidding, these kids of mine are always on my mind! It's funny, but pre-kids, when I'd hear a love song, I would think of Chris. Now, I hear a song and it reminds me of the three bright eyed children who have stolen my heart and run away with it.

I heard a song today and it was all about my Claire. Oh yeah, were you wondering why I've had Claire on my mind? It's because lately, Claire has been worrying. A lot. I'd like to blame it on Chris' genes, but if you've read my blogs in the past, you'd know I was a chronic worrier. I've been able to keep it in check with prayer and running. But apparently I passed down the trait to Sweet Claire.

What could a child who isn't even five be worrying about?? At less than five years old, Claire has the world on her shoulders. I wish I could carry that weight for her. It would be so easy for me to hold her burdens, but life doesn't work that way. My Baby has to find her way in this great big world.

Claire worries the kids at school don't want to be friends with her. I look at Claire and the lyrics from the song today dance around in my head. Baby, don't you realize?:

My baby sparkle and shine
Sparkle and shine
Sparkle and shine
And everyone knows she's fine

Claire worries that I don't love her as much as I did before Mads and Max came. Silly Claire. Don't you know? You have this special place in my heart. You fit perfectly into it, my sweet Baby:

She blesses all that she sees
A toss of the hair and a kiss in the breeze
But she don't love no one but me
And I can't believe she's mine

Claire worries that Kindergarten will be too hard. Yes, Claire has trouble counting to 20 sometimes, but any teacher who has Claire in her class will be gifted with a kid who will: sing her heart out in front of the class while playing air guitar, will try her very best without complaint, will say funny things like: exception! and my tummy beeps when I run too much, is brave enough to spar her karate teacher, and doesn't know the concept of being self-conscious and therefore will seem brave beyond her years. Sweet Claire don't you know?:

Shimmering she moves
Sunlight all around her
Even when she's blue
Silver clouds surround her

Claire worried aloud one day: I don't want to get married! I don't want to leave you! Sweet Claire. You'll find your way in this world. Maybe you'll get married. Maybe you won't. I do know, any man would be beyond blessed to call you his wife. But even I don't want to think about that right now. Instead, I want to enjoy you in this moment: as I see you grow, sparkle and shine:

Anywhere she goes
I can only follow
She'll be there I know
When I awake tomorrow


Barbara LeGere Photography
I'm breathless 'cause she's so cool...

*lyrics by Steve Earle, Sparkle and Shine

Some Things Never Change

Dear Mom and Dad,

Happiness is a four letter word: LOVE

The moment I pull into the parking lot and tow my three kids through the airport to the baggage area to claim our favorite baggage: Nana and Papa, I feel happy from the inside and out.

When I fall into Mom's arms in a hug that only a mom can give, I suddenly feel a transformation: my invisible, extra arms, the arms that help me manage my three kids, begin to dissolve. And I'm left with the two I was born with. Sometimes I don't realize how much those extra arms weigh me down, but when they are gone, I feel lighter. It's like I become a kid again and I admit, I'm so very glad you are here and so grateful for your help. Because when Mom and Dad are here, it means I have extra hands to hold my kids, extra arms to give out hugs, extra hearts to love my children and yes, your love is there for me as well.

I love watching you interact with my children. Your patience is infinite and your love is palpable. Mom will often comment on her regrets on how she raised her own children. The truth is, you did the best you could do. And that's what I hope to do with my three Lovlies. Every parent has regrets and things they wish they could and should have done differently. But that seems to be the beauty of having grandchildren; it's your one chance in life for a do-over. Mom and Dad, it's my turn to be proud. You sparkle and shine in your role as Nana and Papa!

Dad, some things never change. The look you gave my Maxwell when he was being onery was the same look you gave me 25 years ago. It's a look that can stop you in your tracks and make you think twice about being naughty (Max's look said, Really? Hitting Mommy is a bad thing to do?!). And in the next instant your eyes were shining with love and my son knew, no matter what, you still loved him. Just as I knew. That look is one I too have perfected and I bring it out when necessary. Because, oh yes, it can be necessary.

Mom, some things will always stay the same. As a child I remember rubbing your arms and thinking how they were the softest things I've ever felt. They still are. I remember your hugs being the best. Nothing has changed. I see Claire being swallowed in a Nana hug and I know she gets that same feeling.

Eternally grateful. For both of you.

Sorrow is: Missing you

As I drive away from the airport I feel the transformation. Those extra arms that disappeared for your visit begin to grow back. How else would I manage my three Sweets? While you are away, I grow up again and take on the responsibility of caring for and loving my children without the help of my Mom and Dad. My heart is heavy as we leave each other but my children fill it with love and laughter. They ease the sadness and it lightens: until we are just counting down to your next visit.
See you soon. To the moon and back.

Love,
Tolley

My Cup Runneth Over...

A few days ago I decided to take away the TWINS' pacifiers. The pacifiers no longer seemed to be doing their job. Instead of pacifying them at night, they would CRY OUT, SCREAMING and frantically searching when they couldn't find their Too-Toos. We are on day three of no pacifers. Naps aren't going so well (well, here I am blogging to the sound of silence...maybe 3rd day's the CHARM?) and they are waking up almost 2 hours earlier in the morning. But, I'm trying not to focus on those NEGATIVES. Instead, we are now UP early enough on Wednesday mornings for me to make Spin class! They seem HAPPIER. They aren't whining as much through out the day or in the car because they want a pacifier! They are SLEEPING SOUNDLY through the night and not crying out, not ONCE, not a peep! We have to start waking up earlier because CLAIRE will be starting school in the Fall, so why not start now?! So yes, this is a BIG change in our house and the non-napping was starting to eat at me until I realized all these POSITIVES outweigh the one negative.

BIG changes can cause STRESS, ANXIETY and WORRY. I used to WORRY. A lot. SO much that the worry could make me sick to the point of UNHAPPINESS and near-DEPRESSION. What would I WORRY about? Any and every thing. But I realized that negative emotion did nothing GOOD for my SOUL, my MIND, my FAMILY. I turned that worry over to GOD. I decided to try to approach life with a half glass full mentality. Don't get me wrong, I'm not Miss Suzy Sunshine. I still WHINE, COMPLAIN, VENT, CRY and get DOWN. Just not like I used to be pre-twins. They changed my parenting style: for the BETTER. They showed me I can't control everything (someone ELSE has that job). MADELINE and MAX taught me to go with the FLOW and ACCEPT that sometimes my plans must be put aside. They have helped me to realize this is the only life we have here on Earth: ENJOY it, LOVE it, and really LIVE it. When I approach my LIFE with the half glass full mentality, it makes me realize not only is it half full, MY CUP RUNNETH OVER.

They did it before...they can do it again! :)

Have you ever...

difficult-

dif·fi·cult 
[dif-i-kuhlt, -kuhlt]
–adjective
1. not easily or readily done; requiring much labor, skill, or planning to be performed successfully; hard: a difficult job.

It's been a difficult week.

The three little people that I love and adore have made me question my ability to be a good mom. Have you ever felt this way? Mads and Max seem to have hit the terrible (pre) twos simultaneously and Claire, in all her sweet intensity, is less sweet, more intense.

It's been brewing for the last few weeks. Sick children, teething toddlers, restless nights, homesickness, a traveling husband, and someone who is just going through the 'eeyore blues', is a recipe for disaster.

It's been a rough week.

I've been toying around with the idea of having a fourth child. After this week, if you were to ask me, do you want another, my answer would be a confident, NO! What could three little people do to make a grown woman decide her future reproductive state?!

Barbara LeGere Photography

Reflecting on the past two weeks and as I write, it doesn't 'sound' as bad as it felt in the moment. However, I am still concerned about sweet Mads. My most tempermental child. In limbo of being able to express herself verbally but knowing what she wants (and doesn't want) she has started to hurt herself. Pulling out her own hair. It's heartbreaking to see your child injure themself, when as a mother, all you want to do is wrap them up in a cocoon of love and protection. One day, it was non-stop. Every time I looked at her, she was pulling her hair. Sweet, beautiful, amazing girl. Please stop, my eyes would plead. Her pediatrician told us to ignore it, completely. That went against everything I wanted to do. Instinctively, I wanted to scoop her up in my arms, hold her tight, whisper sweet nothings and love her until she loved herself enough to stop hurting herself.

It's been an arduous week.

One day, as I picked up Claire from preschool, Mads and Max chose that moment to test out their fit throwing skills. As I carried two screaming 20 month olds to the car and added a crying 4.5 year old into the mix, the words: You sure have your hands full, played like a sing-song voice in my head. Yes, I admitted in defeat. I do. I really do. And then, I too cried on that drive home. I can't help but think of line in the song Glitter in the Air....Have you ever felt this way?

perseverance -
per·se·ver·ance 
[pur-suh-veer-uhns]
–noun
1. steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.

I'm glad I didn't write this blog in the midst of my battle. Because, we ended the week beautifully. And started this weekend perfectly. Mads isn't pulling her hair as much. I reflected, vented, prayed and remembered: these tough stages don't last forever. I'm ready to face our challenges and I know that, parenting is one day, no, one minute at a time.

Happiness Is...

A few good friends blog about HAPPINESS. I thought I’d take a spin at it because sometimes I forget to focus on happiness and GOD knows, I have plenty of things to be happy about in my life. Sometimes, LIFE can be overwhelming, challenging, and throw more than a few curveballs, but happiness is always there.

During the month of November, my FAMILY and I took turns sharing something we were thankful for, every day, at dinner. When Thanksgiving was over, CLAIRE wanted to do more. Now, we share something that makes us HAPPY. It's nice to have a child to remind you: Be Happy.

So,in no particular order, here are some of my happy moments:

Happiness is….

Listening to Claire’s out of tune voice SINGING Jesus Loves Me

Seeing MADELINE'S deliciously chunky BABY legs as she tries to run away from me

RUNNING up a hill, making it to the top and then the sweet cruise on the way down

Finding out a FRIEND was thinking of me

Being swallowed in a HUG by CHRIS after having ‘one of those days’

Listening to Jeff Buckley sing HALLELUJAH

Watching MAX walk, oh yes, he WALKS!

Picking up my MOM from the airport

Feeling PRETTY on the inside and out

Carrying my BABIES in my tummy

Holding my CHILDREN

SLEEPING in freshly washed sheets

Being with my FAMILY; just being

Barbara LeGere Photography

Oh, of course there is more, so much more!