Waiting for Vincent

For you, Vincent.  Your birth story.

It started with a longing.  A wish.  A hope.  I didn't know it at the time, but all along, it was you I was waiting for.  It was you who would complete our family.  I just didn't know when that would be. 

And I will wait, I will wait for you.

Your Mommy has many faults.  One of them is worrying about what other people think.  So when I wondered aloud to your Daddy: what will people think if we have a 4th child? We already get so many negative comments for having 3?  What I was really wondering is if my fragile ego could handle people's judgement.  This ugly flaw in me is something I hope I don't pass on to any of my beautiful children.  Stand tall. Stand proud.  You are wanted and so very loved.  Your Daddy has a strength that I admire.  His response to my wondering: Who cares what people think?!  This is our life.  And with that, I knew, just knew, we'd have just one more Baby: you.  And life continued to happen and we still just weren't quite sure when you would come to be.

And I will wait, I will wait for you.

I cried when I found out I was pregnant.  I never for one second took you for granted, having lost two angel babies, I knew you were a true Gift.  One I would cherish and lovingly nurture and grow inside of me.  Even when my pregnancy got difficult, I knew I'd do anything, anything, for you.

And I will wait, I will wait for you.

And I did wait.  My doctor wanted to schedule your arrival for a Tuesday, four days before your due date.  I found my voice, the one that usually stays quiet around people who are more assertive and outspoken, and I spoke up, for you.  Can I wait?  So she suggested Wednesday.  No, longer.  Can I wait until the Baby's due date?  She reluctantly agreed to schedule the induction for the following Monday, February 25th at 7am.  2 days past your due date.  I questioned my decision but my heart and God told me: patience.  Let the Baby grow.  Wait.

And I will wait, I will wait for you.

Oh, Vincent, you, the Baby I waited to find out whether you were a boy or girl, the Baby I decided to let grow as long as my doctor would allow, the Baby that I held during my most difficult pregnancy:  you were the one to prove to me that having Faith is the greatest gift a person can have.  Because I waited you were born perfectly healthy and in a way that I could have only dreamed of...because I waited.  For you.

And I will wait, I will wait for you.

On February 25th at 12:30 am, I felt the first twinges of labor pains.  They woke me up from a deep sleep and yet in denial, I didn't think it was labor.  I had waited so very long for you to come on your own time, I didn't think it was possible you would actually come on your own, on the induction day.  So I breathed through what I thought was just back pain, showered, bounced on the exercise ball and eventually went back to bed.  At 4:30 I woke up again, this time I knew the contractions were real.  I thanked God for this unexpected gift.  I knew today was the day I had waited for, the day I would get to meet you.

And I will wait, I will wait for you.

At 4:05 pm on February 25th, Daddy and I got to meet you.  Our Son.  I only wanted a healthy baby, and healthy you were: 9 lbs 3 oz, 21 inches long and stunningly beautiful.  Our son.  And once we met you we just knew Vincent Alexander was the name you were meant to have and you were the Baby who was meant to be to complete our family.  We waited a long time.  For you.  Happy birthday to you, Beautiful Boy.                        

                                    

                                                              Raise my hands
                                                            Paint my spirit gold
                                                              And bow my head
                                                            Keep my heart slow                                                                      

                                                                ~Mumford and Sons, I Will Wait   

Goodbye, Fear

And I'll kneel down
Wait for now
And I'll kneel down
Wait for now

And I will wait, I will wait for you
And I will wait, I will wait for you

Now I'll be bold
As well as strong
Use my head alongside my heart

Decisions driven by fear.  Worrying about the future, the what-ifs.  I thought I had gotten that all under control.  It's a lesson God has been patiently trying to teach me for many years.  But these last few weeks of pregnancy have told me I'm not a very good student. 

My hope was to have a VBAC (vaginal birth after c-section).  My OB agreed to it but under many conditions: no induction, no big baby, no pitocin, no going over due date...and on and on.  So once I found out at 36 weeks Baby 4.0 was measuring a pretty big: 7 lbs 8 oz., I started panicking and hoped Baby would come, soon.  Because my OB started throwing out the c-section word.  Now, I don't think having a vaginal delivery will make me more of a mom, a better mom, a warrior mom...no, in fact it's not a mama-war I even care to discuss.  My reasons for wanting a VBAC are entirely selfish---I'm a wimp! Comparing Claire's delivery to the twins' c-section is night and day for me!  I was up and walking easily within an hour of delivering Claire and with Madeline & Max I was still hobbling around, doubled over in pain for a good 10 days after.  Months after I would still feel pain and just 'not right'.  I want to avoid that.  Especially since I'll be taking care of 4 children.  So I agonized.  Worried.  Prayed:  Come on out soon, Baby!

Then at 37 weeks I developed a condition I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy: PUPPS.   My stomach looked like it had been scalded by hot water, every inch of it.  The itchiness was so consuming, it's all I could think about.  I called my mom in tears every single day, asking her to pray to help me to get through the day, even if just one minute at a time.  Because when I saw the on-call OB, she gently suggested: c-section.  You know, most women at this point would just go ahead and opt for the c-section as that is really the only 'cure'.  I'll wait, I said.  Really? You want to put yourself through another day? Another week? Another 3 weeks of this?  You don't have to! I broke down and cried right there in the exam room.  She ordered lab work to check my liver.  I broke down again.  Knowing relief was just a c-section away was so tempting.  The nights were the worst: I ccouldn't sleep.  Not a minute. Tossing and turning, placing cool rags and ice packs on my stomach all night.  If my OB had been in my room during the middle of the night, I would have agreed to the c-section then and there. I worried, I prayed, I begged: please, come out, Baby!

But I'd get up in the morning and it would be a little, just the smallest bit better.  And I would again, focus on one minute at a time.  One day, I dropped the twins off at preschool and I had the urge to go to a Catholic church and pray. The desire was so strong, it was all I could think about.  I wanted to pray. In peace.  Without distraction from kids.  I wanted to get on my knees and be surrounded by a church that reminded me of my childhood and my Grandpa, who I felt was calling out to me.  So the next day, I found one. 

I prayed the prayers I learned as a child.  Over and over as I was on my knees, the tears just needed to be released as I begged God for peace and comfort. I wanted to talk to my Grandpa so I did. And I felt his presence.  On my knees, while I prayed, I knew he was with me.  And then the inexplicable: I felt cool hands covering my stomach.  And for a moment, I had complete relief from the condition that had been plaguing me for over a week.  A condition no cream, no medicine could touch.  I left the church that day knowing that whatever happened, I would have the strength to get through it. Miracles cannot be explained.  That is why we have Faith.  And the next day what happened was a true miracle. I woke up and I was no longer as itchy as I had been.  My stomach which had been a bright, blistering, angry red was faded to a pink, a mild looking sunburn.  And as the days went on, it has faded even more. And then one day: No more itchiness.

Then I had a great appointment with my OB who suddenly seemed to have a change of heart: she was willing to induce if I got close to my due date, no automatic c-section! Hooray!  I felt like I could get through these last few weeks of my pregnancy worry-free.  Until she called the next day saying she wanted to induce me at my next appointment.  I panicked: what if the baby just needs more time? What if she induces me and my body isn't ready and I have to have a c-section?  What if, what if, what if?  So I asked for another week, to schedule the induction for when I'm full term.  And then the self-doubt and worry began:  but then we wouldn't have help from my parents because they would be leaving 2 days later, what if the extra week allows the baby to get too big and I end up with a c-section anyway?....but, but, but....worry, worry, worry.
I hate being in that dark place of fear, darkness, worry.  Things that I can't control.  Things that should be let go to prayer.  But sometimes the mind tries to overpower the heart.  Self-doubt was laying on me like a heavy blanket making it hard to breathe.  Did I make the right decision?

I went to the gym and the first song that came on was I Will Wait by Mumford and Sons.   Ahhhh, it sounded so right.  Wait is what my heart was whispering....wait for Baby to come.  But, But, But, my mind kept protesting....maybe...worry, worry, worry.  Maybe I should choose the earlier date.  I finished my workout and got into my car.  Turned it on only to hear on the radio the same song:

And I'll kneel down
Wait for now
And I'll kneel down
Know my ground

And I will wait, I will wait for you.

I laughed and cried at the same time.  OK, God. I hear you.  I'll wait.  Baby, I'll wait for you.  And I'll say goodbye to fear.

                                    

                            Mama, Sweet Claire and Baby at 39 weeks and a few days.  And waiting for Baby.

 

Once Upon A Time, A Mouse Made a Mommy Cry

Once upon a time there was a Mommy, a Daddy and three amazing Little Ones. The Mommy wished upon a star and her hope was to one day, take her Little Ones to Disneyworld.  But she knew it would take lots of magic to make it happen: with a Daddy who dislikes crowds and is lovingly known as Mr. Budget; Disneyworld seemed like a big dream not likely to happen.

But one day....things fell into place and the Daddy had a change of heart.  A trip was scheduled, tickets bought and those Little Ones and their parents were off on an adventure.  The Mommy and Daddy were a bit nervous.  They weren't quite sure how this adventure would turn out.  Would it have a happy ending?  The Little Ones had no idea what was coming...Disneyworld? What does that really mean?  They weren't quite sure, but they were excited to begin their journey.

                                 

And on the first day...something magical happened.   The three Little Ones were mesmerized:  by princesses, castles...was this a real life fairy-tale?
                            
                        
And the Daddy?  Well, I know for a fact his heart was transformed as he saw his princess-loving Little One, light up with joy when she got to hold the hand of a real-life princess.   There was no hope for the Daddy after he saw this:
                                  
 

The Mommy was already in a bit of a daze.  Was this really happening?  She wanted to laugh and cry at the same time.  Especially when she saw the sheer delight on the Little Ones' faces:
                                       
                                     
             

 
 

 

                  

When Mickey, Pooh, Donald or a Princess hugs your Little One, it truly is a magical moment. The Mommy tucked away these images into her heart forever.

                           

Suddenly, it all became too much for the Mommy.  She was overwhelmed with happiness.  And when Mickey kissed her Baby Belly, the Mommy couldn't help but cry.  She cried tears of joy, gratitude and the magic of it all:

And of course the story has a happy ending.  Three Little Ones, a Mommy and a Daddy had a wonderful time.  Memories were made in a magical place.  The Mommy and the Daddy will forever hold on to what they saw:  The innocence of Magic and Wonder in the eyes of their Little ones.  Do you see it too?:

You, you may say

I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one

I hope some day you'll join us

And the world will be as one
~John Lennon

                                 

 The Mommy is forever thankful for a wonderful support team of Grandparents and a Husband who did all the muscle work behind the strollers. She couldn't have done it without you all.

 

                                      
                                                                     The End.

It's Never Just Any Old Day

When the rain is blowin' in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawlin' down the avenue
No, there's nothin' that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love.

Though storms are raging on the rollin' sea
And on the highway of regrets
Though winds of change are throwing wild and free
You ain't seen nothin' like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love.

(To Make you Feel My Love, Bob Dylan)

The other day I listened to Mick McAuley's version of Make you Feel My Love.  Music does wonders for my soul.  It picked me up out of some sorrow I had been feeling and reminded me to be thankful: for all the wonderful, beautiful, amazing things that happen on a seemingly normal day.  Here are some of those moments captured:

 We cuddle every, single, day.  Thinking of the day this will stop, makes my heart ache a bit.

   Being silly with Baby.  The human body amazes me.

                       A Father who takes his daughter to school every day.  She'll have this memory and know she's always been cherished by him.

        My sweet Madeline who sometimes gets 'lost' in the middle and reminds me: I'm here, be with me.

 A Boy-Child who notices pretty girls.

                   Over 7 years of marriage and I still try to look pretty for my man.  I hope that's the case 20 years from now.

A princess who turns heads.

When you realize taking a moment to stop for snow cones makes someone's day, you want do do it more often.

A morning at the zoo.  My heart broke a little this day.  "I want to sit by myself on the train."

Dancing days.

My Costco lunch date.  That face.  I couldn't have designed it better than He did.

First day of preschool at 3 years old and as I drove away that day I knew they would be ok. Because they have each other.

Playing dressup:  I love her confident, sassy attitude.

I came home from a run and asked for a kiss, she plugged her little button nose.  I love showing my children that mommy enjoys running.  They know mama is a runner.

Best Friends.

I cried.  I laughed. My 'baby' is so big and bright.

The Boy I never knew I needed.  So proud of his muscles.

Grateful for a wonderful teacher.

Three.  My  hands are not full, but my heart is.

Seeing Baby never, ever gets old.  One of my favorite things in life is feeling Life within me.

Sometimes I see myself in Claire.  The little Teacher.

Oh, my unique Claire. Don't ever change.

Kissy time with my Mads-Mama.  She is going to be an amazing woman.

On my birthday:  he gets me. Just so.

"Baby in MY tummy."  Oh Max, I will hold this image in my heart forever.

 So thankful I was gifted with twins.

Back to School Night and I opened her journal to find this gem.  My heart couldn't have been more joyful.

They truly miss their hard-working Daddy.

      Daddy's birthday:  Silly Daddy. Silly Max.

Out for an evening run:  Beautiful views and a happy running mama.

And those who were seen dancing, were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. ~Nietzsche