Answers

I often wondered what it would be like to have a conversation with God. I have prayed countless times. I have tried to open my heart and listen to what He has to say, show me and teach me. Sometimes He's so clear. Like a raindrop reflecting all the beautiful colors of the rainbow. Other times my own imperfect human nature clouds His message and I feel like I'm trying to see it through a murky and muddied pond.

But there has been one day in my life that He spoke to me and I had no doubt that I heard His words. I felt His presence. It was my very own, conversation with God:

I looked down, tears filling my eyes. Two babies. Two peaceful, beautiful, take my breath away, sleeping babies. I had moved them to the hospital bed with me. They were snuggled side by side against my body. I gently picked them up and instantly had the feeling; I'm holding all that is good in the world.

Suddenly, it was as if a fog was lifted. I could see. I could finally see.

Dear God, I just didn't realize. I had no idea and I'm so sorry for ever doubting You. If I could thank You a million times it wouldn't be enough.

God whispered to my heart, I know. All along I've known you. These are the two that are meant to be here on Earth; with you, with Chris, with Claire, with the world.

Madeline Yvonne and Maxwell Christopher were born on May 30, 2009. That was the day I realized God is greater, bigger, and more powerful than I could have ever imagined. I have never thought of Madeline and Max as a replacement for my two angel babies. I never thought God took two babies and gave me two babies as an exchange. Because the day God spoke to me He told me something I'll never forget: His plan is perfect. He is perfect. My angel babies are in heaven for a reason I may never know. But I do know why Madeline and Max are here on Earth. They fit into the puzzle of my life. They must be here.

It's almost their first birthday and it seems like yesterday that I; found out I was pregnant with two babies, was in the middle of the most difficult pregnancy I could have ever imagined, was in the recovery room on the day they were born and seeing their faces for the very first time. And yet it has almost been a whole year. A year full of beauty, love, learning, laughter, tears and wonder.

As a mom of twins, I'm often asked, how do you do it? Well, if Claire was born like a shooting star streaming through the sky; intense, then Madeline and Maxwell were like the quiet, stillness of the full moon in the sky; peaceful. I expected chaos and was gifted with two of the most serene babies ever to be born. Thank you sweet children for making the transition of being a mommy of one to three, seamless.

Happy birthday dear Madeline.

Madeline, my doll-baby. So curious, full of life and sweetness. You are always so busy exploring, learning and trying to figure out the world around you. Truly a lovely girl who I look at and marvel over the perfection of your little up-turned nose, adorable smile and feisty personality.

Happy birthday Max.

Max, my little man. You are a people person. You notice others and they always notice you. Your smile touches the hearts of all those who meet you. You are sensitive, silly, happy and have a joyful sense of humor. You have such an expressive face and it matches the complexity that makes up who you are on the inside.


The day my sweet Madeline and Max were born I prayed, Dear God, thank you. Forever.

Movie Moments

I think any woman who watches a romantic comedy has thought: I wish that could be me. You know the scene. The camera pans in onto a couple who is having a romantic dinner, there is great eye contact and you can see how much he adores her. Or, a couple is ice skating in Rockefeller Center and they are holding hands, laughing, oblivous to the world around them. There is always a great soundtrack and in those moments we sigh and elbow our husbands while muttering, why can't we be like that?!

I would argue, we all have. We just don't have that great music playing in the background and a camera rolling at all times to capture our own movie moments.

I have found this entry the most difficult to write. Maybe because through everything, he has been by my side; good/bad, ugly/beautiful, broken/whole. And because of this, it is the most personal.

This entry is for you; my husband, my partner in life, my forever love, my very best friend. You've helped me make our very own, movie moments:

It felt like we were the only two people alive, let alone at the restaurant.
For once, he opened up and shared his heart and soul with me; no pretenses, no big talk, just honest conversation.
I threw my head back and laughed, he reached out to fix my hair.
He smiled. A truly happy, eye reaching smile that made his dimples appear to be miles deep.
I fell in love that day.
I wanted him to be mine and for me to be his.

Walking down a touristy street in Newport Beach.
We looked in shop windows and I noticed our reflection; a happy young couple.
He grabbed my hand and pulled me away.
He said, You're mine and I am yours.

Who really gets to marry the prince?
July 16, 2005 I married my prince; tattooed arm, dimples that my thumbs fit into perfectly, twinkling eyes, broken but put back together and loved with all his imperfections.
I felt like I was floating.
He felt so far away and yet was so near.
I walked down the flower petaled path feeling like it was all a dream.
I was so nervous and yet seeing him calmed me.
He looked at me and his eyes said, You're mine and I am yours.

All the kids were tucked safely into bed.
We had a glass of wine and talked about our perfectly imperfect sleeping angels.
Both of us consumed by our love for our children; we started to cry.
We danced to the music.
Our living room was our dance floor.
Parents, bestfriends, husband & wife; crying at the thought of our childrens' very existence; our loves, our hearts, our very breath.
The three best things that could have ever come out of two people meeting and falling in love.
They are ours, and we are theirs.