If there ever comes a day when we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever. Winnie the Pooh

Friday, February 11, 2011

Have you ever...


[dif-i-kuhlt, -kuhlt]
1. not easily or readily done; requiring much labor, skill, or planning to be performed successfully; hard: a difficult job.

It's been a difficult week.

The three little people that I love and adore have made me question my ability to be a good mom. Have you ever felt this way? Mads and Max seem to have hit the terrible (pre) twos simultaneously and Claire, in all her sweet intensity, is less sweet, more intense.

It's been brewing for the last few weeks. Sick children, teething toddlers, restless nights, homesickness, a traveling husband, and someone who is just going through the 'eeyore blues', is a recipe for disaster.

It's been a rough week.

I've been toying around with the idea of having a fourth child. After this week, if you were to ask me, do you want another, my answer would be a confident, NO! What could three little people do to make a grown woman decide her future reproductive state?!

Barbara LeGere Photography

Reflecting on the past two weeks and as I write, it doesn't 'sound' as bad as it felt in the moment. However, I am still concerned about sweet Mads. My most tempermental child. In limbo of being able to express herself verbally but knowing what she wants (and doesn't want) she has started to hurt herself. Pulling out her own hair. It's heartbreaking to see your child injure themself, when as a mother, all you want to do is wrap them up in a cocoon of love and protection. One day, it was non-stop. Every time I looked at her, she was pulling her hair. Sweet, beautiful, amazing girl. Please stop, my eyes would plead. Her pediatrician told us to ignore it, completely. That went against everything I wanted to do. Instinctively, I wanted to scoop her up in my arms, hold her tight, whisper sweet nothings and love her until she loved herself enough to stop hurting herself.

It's been an arduous week.

One day, as I picked up Claire from preschool, Mads and Max chose that moment to test out their fit throwing skills. As I carried two screaming 20 month olds to the car and added a crying 4.5 year old into the mix, the words: You sure have your hands full, played like a sing-song voice in my head. Yes, I admitted in defeat. I do. I really do. And then, I too cried on that drive home. I can't help but think of line in the song Glitter in the Air....Have you ever felt this way?

perseverance -
1. steady persistence in a course of action, a purpose, a state, etc., especially in spite of difficulties, obstacles, or discouragement.

I'm glad I didn't write this blog in the midst of my battle. Because, we ended the week beautifully. And started this weekend perfectly. Mads isn't pulling her hair as much. I reflected, vented, prayed and remembered: these tough stages don't last forever. I'm ready to face our challenges and I know that, parenting is one day, no, one minute at a time.

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