Once Upon A Time, A Mouse Made a Mommy Cry

Once upon a time there was a Mommy, a Daddy and three amazing Little Ones. The Mommy wished upon a star and her hope was to one day, take her Little Ones to Disneyworld.  But she knew it would take lots of magic to make it happen: with a Daddy who dislikes crowds and is lovingly known as Mr. Budget; Disneyworld seemed like a big dream not likely to happen.

But one day....things fell into place and the Daddy had a change of heart.  A trip was scheduled, tickets bought and those Little Ones and their parents were off on an adventure.  The Mommy and Daddy were a bit nervous.  They weren't quite sure how this adventure would turn out.  Would it have a happy ending?  The Little Ones had no idea what was coming...Disneyworld? What does that really mean?  They weren't quite sure, but they were excited to begin their journey.

                                 

And on the first day...something magical happened.   The three Little Ones were mesmerized:  by princesses, castles...was this a real life fairy-tale?
                            
                        
And the Daddy?  Well, I know for a fact his heart was transformed as he saw his princess-loving Little One, light up with joy when she got to hold the hand of a real-life princess.   There was no hope for the Daddy after he saw this:
                                  
 

The Mommy was already in a bit of a daze.  Was this really happening?  She wanted to laugh and cry at the same time.  Especially when she saw the sheer delight on the Little Ones' faces:
                                       
                                     
             

 
 

 

                  

When Mickey, Pooh, Donald or a Princess hugs your Little One, it truly is a magical moment. The Mommy tucked away these images into her heart forever.

                           

Suddenly, it all became too much for the Mommy.  She was overwhelmed with happiness.  And when Mickey kissed her Baby Belly, the Mommy couldn't help but cry.  She cried tears of joy, gratitude and the magic of it all:

And of course the story has a happy ending.  Three Little Ones, a Mommy and a Daddy had a wonderful time.  Memories were made in a magical place.  The Mommy and the Daddy will forever hold on to what they saw:  The innocence of Magic and Wonder in the eyes of their Little ones.  Do you see it too?:

You, you may say

I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one

I hope some day you'll join us

And the world will be as one
~John Lennon

                                 

 The Mommy is forever thankful for a wonderful support team of Grandparents and a Husband who did all the muscle work behind the strollers. She couldn't have done it without you all.

 

                                      
                                                                     The End.

It's Never Just Any Old Day

When the rain is blowin' in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love.

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one there to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love.

I know you haven't made your mind up yet
But I would never do you wrong
I've known it from the moment that we met
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

I'd go hungry, I'd go black and blue
I'd go crawlin' down the avenue
No, there's nothin' that I wouldn't do
To make you feel my love.

Though storms are raging on the rollin' sea
And on the highway of regrets
Though winds of change are throwing wild and free
You ain't seen nothin' like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true
Nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the Earth for you
To make you feel my love.

(To Make you Feel My Love, Bob Dylan)

The other day I listened to Mick McAuley's version of Make you Feel My Love.  Music does wonders for my soul.  It picked me up out of some sorrow I had been feeling and reminded me to be thankful: for all the wonderful, beautiful, amazing things that happen on a seemingly normal day.  Here are some of those moments captured:

 We cuddle every, single, day.  Thinking of the day this will stop, makes my heart ache a bit.

   Being silly with Baby.  The human body amazes me.

                       A Father who takes his daughter to school every day.  She'll have this memory and know she's always been cherished by him.

        My sweet Madeline who sometimes gets 'lost' in the middle and reminds me: I'm here, be with me.

 A Boy-Child who notices pretty girls.

                   Over 7 years of marriage and I still try to look pretty for my man.  I hope that's the case 20 years from now.

A princess who turns heads.

When you realize taking a moment to stop for snow cones makes someone's day, you want do do it more often.

A morning at the zoo.  My heart broke a little this day.  "I want to sit by myself on the train."

Dancing days.

My Costco lunch date.  That face.  I couldn't have designed it better than He did.

First day of preschool at 3 years old and as I drove away that day I knew they would be ok. Because they have each other.

Playing dressup:  I love her confident, sassy attitude.

I came home from a run and asked for a kiss, she plugged her little button nose.  I love showing my children that mommy enjoys running.  They know mama is a runner.

Best Friends.

I cried.  I laughed. My 'baby' is so big and bright.

The Boy I never knew I needed.  So proud of his muscles.

Grateful for a wonderful teacher.

Three.  My  hands are not full, but my heart is.

Seeing Baby never, ever gets old.  One of my favorite things in life is feeling Life within me.

Sometimes I see myself in Claire.  The little Teacher.

Oh, my unique Claire. Don't ever change.

Kissy time with my Mads-Mama.  She is going to be an amazing woman.

On my birthday:  he gets me. Just so.

"Baby in MY tummy."  Oh Max, I will hold this image in my heart forever.

 So thankful I was gifted with twins.

Back to School Night and I opened her journal to find this gem.  My heart couldn't have been more joyful.

They truly miss their hard-working Daddy.

      Daddy's birthday:  Silly Daddy. Silly Max.

Out for an evening run:  Beautiful views and a happy running mama.

And those who were seen dancing, were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music. ~Nietzsche

Stubborn Love

Hold on to me as me as we go

As we roll down this unfamiliar road

And although this wave is stringing us along

Just know you’re not alone

~Phillip Phillips

I'll never forget the time I was pregnant with Claire;  I was hugely pregnant, due within weeks and was sitting through a teacher's workshop for hours on end.   The highschool desks were killing my back and I was just at a point of sheer exhaustion in my pregnancy.  As I was waddling from the lunch break back to the classroom, a friend walked up and casually asked, "How's it going?"  I thought she meant, well, me.  So I complained of various aches and how long the workshop felt.  She looked a bit surprised and said: Well why would you sign up for it if you are just going to complain? Ouch.  My mouth snapped closed and I muttered, an I'll see you later, as I contemplated, why DID I sign up for it?  When I signed up for the session months before, I had no idea just how uncomfortable you get in those last weeks: it hurts to breathe, to walk, to be.  Looking back on that day, I have to give my friend grace, she had not, at that time, ever experienced pregnancy.  I think if she had, her words would have been a bit more sympathetic.

And yet, I find myself in a similar situation.  I'm only 16 weeks pregnant, and as my body is adjusting, changing, growing, I'm reminded of the old aches and pains pregnacy brings to a mother's body.  I'll complain a bit here and there and yet I hear my friend's words: Why would you sign up for this if you are just going to complain?  Why? Oh why, indeed.  Simply: Love.  I already know this little person is meant to be a part of this world. Our lives.  Our family.  There is nothing like the experience of pregnancy in this world.  Growing a baby.  My body is no longer just my body, it's the safe place to grow and feed and love a tiny little human being who I have yet to lay eyes on.

Every decision I make in regards to MY body first has to be good and right for the Baby.  Which of course makes me want to talk about my experience and journey of being a Pregnant Running Mama.  It's a new and unfamiliar road for me.  Dear Friends and Family, let me assure you: I would never, ever do anything to put my baby in harms way.  Not for the love of running.  Not for anything in this world.  So when you hear of me running a half marathon or logging a long run on the weekend, I promise you, Baby is safe, healthy and dare I say: happy.  I know I'm at my happiest when I'm running. So I imagine little Baby just enjoying the ride and all the good vibes I'm putting out. 

And just as running has it's ups and downs, being a pregnant runner is no exception.  I'm hardly even showing and yet my running has changed drastically.  An easy 10 miler is no longer so easy.  Ligament and back pain creeped up very early on in the pregnancy and made running uncomfortable.  But as I told Chris, I got that pain in my last two pregnacies when I sat around and did nothing, I may as well get moving.

The hardest thing I've had to come to terms with is my pace.  I was in denial that I was slowing down.  Blaming the summer heat.  But the truth is, as it hit me during my long run last weekend: pregnancy is slowing me down.  I had to mourn that and let it go.  I've accepted it.  I imagine as Baby grows bigger and my tummy gets rounder I'll slow down even more.  But silly me, just as when I signed up for that seminar months before Baby Claire was due, had no idea what I signed up for when I told myself I'd continue running throughout my last pregnancy.  I imagined myself with basketball sized belly running my usual route at my usual pace.  My pregnant body laughed at my idealistic self and snapped me into reality last weekend as I struggled up what I call my Heartbreak Hill (And who am I kidding, I never get the cute, round, belly, just an overall largeness).  My usual 8:45 pace was slowed down to a 10:45 pace. I somtimes feel like I'm barely moving when I run that pace.  And yet I have to tell myself: But you ARE moving.  Let the pace go and accept what your body is doing.  It's slowing you down for a reason.  Don't forget: you are growing a Life.

I'll admit it, I cried a little.  Ok, a lot, this past week (Pregancy hormones...ugh).  I felt like my body was betraying me.  And then I had an OB appointment.  Hearing Little Baby's heartbeat snapped me back into reality.  The steady beat of Baby's heart sounded like: Love-Love Love-Love Love-Love, to me.  Oh Baby, Love.  I love this Baby who I haven't met.  More than running.  More than myself.  So I'll continute on this Pregnant Running Mama journey for as long as Baby allows.  If I make it to the end, that would be amazing.  If I tucker out before that, well, then I can honestly say I gave it my all but I'll listen to my body, my doctor and that amazing, wonderful, beautiful, little thing called Love in my tummy.

I often give myself little pep-talks when I'm working through a difficult run.  And I heard the words of The Lumineers say it just right during a recent run:  It's better to feel pain, than nothing at all.  The opposite of love's indifference... So keep your head up, my love. 

Keeping my head up.  Happy Running.

                                              Baby 4.0 and me at 16 weeks, after a great run.  

To My 16 Year Old Daughters, Love, Mommy

It is not fancy hair, gold jewelry, or fine clothes that should make you beautiful.  No, your beauty should come from within you--the beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.  This beauty will never disappear, and it is worth very much to God. 1 Peter 3:3


I recently read a blog post where the author wrote a letter to the '16 year old' she used to be.  It got me wondering....not what I would say to myself, but what would I say to my 16 year old daughters. 

My Sweet Girls are only 6 and 3 now, but time is flying and before I know, it they will be 16. 

So Darling Girls, here is what my heart wishes to tell the older you.  The teenage you.  The you you will be, before I can blink:

Dear 16 year old Claire and Madeline,

I know it's unbelievable, but I too used to be 16.  If I could go back in time I would tell myself: Nicole, you are going to have a beautiful family. A beautiful life.  Take some of the worry you carry on your shoulders and give it to God.  He will take it all.  But this letter isn't to me, it's to you.  So I would tell you both the same: don't hold on to your worry.  Let it go and focus on what you can do and change and be.

When you were little girls, you laughed loudly, loved fiercely, and held your heads tall.  I vaguely remember myself as a young girl and I too acted much like you.  But time went by and something happened.  In my heart I lost the innocence of laughing loudly, I became too worried about what other's would think.  Here's what I wish for you:  never, ever, worry about what others' think.  Comparison will steal your joy and the light that makes you sparkle and shine.  Laugh loudly.  Be proud of who you are.  You are the perfect you.  

And my head was held high at one point in my childhood, yet it started to droop.  By the time I was 16 I was trying to hide in my own skin.  I didn't think I was pretty enough.  Smart enough. Skinny enough.  I didn't think I was enough.    Here's what I want, no, here is what I need you to know:  Don't wish away who you are in the hopes you were someone else.  You are the only you in this world.  You are enough.

I loved but not for the right reasons.  I didn't realize my own self-worth.  I dated my high school sweetheart for over 5 years.  I wasn't strong enough to walk away from this boy who became a man.  His actions proved he didn't value me and treat me the way I deserved.  I wish I had the self-worth to take a stand and say: I deserve someone who is faithful.  Instead, I loved without truly being loved in return.  My wish for you at 16 is that you are strong enough on the inside to recognize your self-worth.  You are worthy of all that is good in this world.  Nothing less.

There is so much more (things about working hard, not doing drugs, going to college....).  But I'm afraid the 16 year old you doesn't want to hear more from your Mom.  Please know that I will always, always, love you.  No matter what choices you make.  What mistakes you make.  You will find your way.  Just as I eventually did.  But please hear your Mommy's plea: love love love yourself.  You are enough.  You are worthy.  You are the perfect you.

My heart bursts with joy in anticipation of seeing your beautiful 16 year old faces and knowing your beautiful 16 year old hearts.

                                                Kay Harmon Photography
"You make beautiful things, you make beautiful things out of the dust. You make beautiful things you make beautiful things out of us." ~The Michael Gungor Band


Always and With Love,
Your Mommy

Love Love Love

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above...

~ James 1:17

You are wanted. You are loved.  You are meant to be a part of our family.  The five of us cannot wait to welcome you into our loving arms.  Sweet Baby of ours.

 

Roots

Home, Let me come Home
Home is Whenever I'm with you
Home, yes I am Home
Home is wherever I'm with you
~Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros
                                    
                                           
                                                                  Our first year in Austin

                                             
                                                                  Two years later

The first time I visited Austin, I was wearing my critical glasses.  I saw a drab city: everything was brown, the trees were small, the freeways had funny 'access roads' which kept getting us lost, I missed my kids and I couldn't imagine ever, ever leaving my California.  I knew Chris really wanted to switch jobs and though I had a say, I would leave the ultimate decision to him.  He tried to point out all the positives and all I could do was see the negative.  My eyes were filled with tears when I told him nothing he would say, do or show me, would convince me that Austin should be our home.  I told him we would move here if that's what he wanted and I would be sure to be positive for our children's sake, but I couldn't show happiness on the day I first laid eyes on Austin. Our potential new home.

Because California had my heart.  The wide and vast Central Valley will always be my home.  I remember every time I drove the 7 hour trek home from college in San Diego back to Merced, it felt like the wide arms of the valley would open up in a warm hug as I drove over the Grapevine into its welcoming and familiar embrace.  Some see it as boring and drab, I thought The Valley was beautiful.  And Southern California in all its busyness: the mix of urban, rural and the amazing Pacific Ocean had always been paradise in my eyes. It had been home to me since I left home at 17 to go to college.  It's where I grew from a young girl to a woman.  Where I found myself.  Found my voice. Found my worth.  It was where I met my husband, got married and had my three children.  And beautiful San Francisco.  It was the magical city my parents would take us to as kids.  Trolleys, Pier 39, Alcatraz, Lombard Street, mouth watering clam chowder and the majestic Golden Gate Bridge.  My favorite city.  My first marathon city.  My engagement city.  Yes, California will always have a special place in my heart.

Nearly 2 years after that first visit, I now see the beauty of Austin.  My vision is no longer clouded with critical resentment.  Instead,  my breath catches whenever I drive by the Greenbelt.  A beautiful, green, dripping with nature, gem, right in the middle of our city.  I still don't know all the parts of Austin, but when my family visits, I zip in and out of places, taking them to the parts of Austin that I love and know like the back of my hand.  I'm no longer shocked by the rude drivers.  I can honk with the best of them. And those access roads?  Easy Peasy.  Austin is where I truly fell in love with running outside, where I discovered trail running, that I do, in fact, like BBQ.  It's where Chris and I rediscovered date nights and the importance of Us.  It's where I trained for my first marathon in the brutal heat of the summer---showing me that my heart and mind are much, much stronger than I ever thought possible.  Moving here without family or friends, and wanting to make a beautiful life for my children, is without a doubt one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do.  But my husband and my children are worth it.  They deserve a beautiful life. So I had to ask God for grace, support and patience as I tried to transition our lives from California to Texas without any resentment or negativity.

And yet Austin has always been my second home.  California is the place my heart belongs.  Until recently.  We are in the process of buying a home.  There is so much excitement to it and I feel a sense of relief that we will finally have a place to call Ours.  Still, the tears flowed yesterday when I realized: we're here. We're staying.  This land called Texas, which felt like a foreign country when I first saw it, is all that my children will remember.  I had to adjust my heart to allow Texas to fill up the space that California used to hold.  It was hard for me to let California go.  My beautiful Golden State.  But there is a lot of beauty in Texas.  Bluebonnets. Greenbelts.  Running Trails.  So much more.  And now: my home.

                                           

Always

Having children sometimes makes it seem like I have placed you on the back burner, second best.  But that's the farthest from the truth.  I'm so grateful to call you my husband-- my better half.   I keep falling in love with you, over and over.  Happy 7th anniversary, to the person that is always on my mind.

Maybe I didn't love you
Quite as often as I could have
Maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have

If I made you feel second best
I'm sorry I was blind
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Maybe I didn't hold you
All those lonely, lonely times
And I guess I never told you
I'm so happy that you're mine

Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

Tell me
Tell me that your sweet love hasn't died
And give me
Give me one more chance to keep you satisfied
I'll keep you satisfied

Little things I should have said and done
I just never took the time
You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind

You were always on my mind
You were always on my mind
~lyrics by Willie Nelson